Last summer my sister, Barb, arranged a family reunion.  This is ironic, since she is the only one to have moved out of state from where we were raised.  At a young age she moved to Colorado to seek her fortune, while the rest of us stayed hunkered down in the frozen tundra of Wisconsin–fools that we are.

It was a lovely gathering in July at one of Wisconsin’s many picturesque and lovely lakes.  There was one large house and a couple smaller cabins.  My husband and I stayed in a cabin with  my parents; and Guzzy stayed in ‘the big house’ with my sister’s family, including her same-age cousin.  More on this later.  In addition to Alzheimers, Ana (Anorexia) was also a guest at our reunion.

My mom kept getting lost in our small cabin.  She needed help finding the bathroom in the middle of the night, and one evening went back to sleep in the (unoccupied) third bedroom.  Every morning she was baffled to find me having breakfast in our shared kitchen: she didn’t know who I was or why I was there.  Heck, she didn’t know where SHE was or why she was there.   At one point she got really angry at the ‘mean trick’ we (a bunch of strangers) had played on her by taking her to this place that she knew nothing about.  My normally sweet mom royally cussed out my husband when he tried to explain it.

Mom was declining rapidly, and dad was struggling to care for her.  She would get scared and confused when ever my dad was out of their house, often wandering to the kindly neighbor-lady’s house to announce that John had been gone for days; when in fact he had simply left to get groceries or mow the lawn.   The neighbor would calm mom down and they would return to my parents house together, to await my dad’s return.

Due to this and other incidents: My brothers, sister and I were very concerned.  My dad had done a FABULOUS job caring for mom, but she was at a point where it was more than any one person could shoulder and there were real safety concerns.   While my brothers and I helped out frequently,  it wasn’t realistic for us to provide significant day-to-day care for mom. Our father was (and is) very competent, independent and fiercely protective of mom.  We all acknowledged and respected that this was his decision; however, it was time for a family pow-wow.

With my mom in the care of one of my sister-in-laws;  my brothers, sister and father had a talk about everyone’s concerns.  I am so grateful for the bond of my birth-family and the collaborative, caring way we addressed the ‘elephant in the room’.  My siblings and I expressed our concerns for both our mother and father.  Dad admitted he didn’t think he could handle another year like the last one.   Sadly, we agreed it was time to look at alternative living arrangements for mom.

Since that day, my father has told me that he could not have made that decision without the full support of his children, and that it remains the hardest single decision he ever made.

Today, my mom resides in a memory-care unit.  My dad visits her every afternoon.  I visit her weekly.  As dad says, Everyone needs to know they are loved by someone in this world.  

 

 

 

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