Anorexia was a dense, dark fog surrounding my daughter, Guzzy. The ugly fog separated her from her family and loved ones and prevented her from truly living her life. It prevented her from pursuing other interests or expending energy on anything other than her illness. During the depths of her illness, we would occasionally get rare and precious glimpses of our pre-ED daughter, but then the haze would inevitably deepen and she would recede further into its depths. Her world was very small, isolated and lonely.
I recently asked Guzzy if there was a particular moment during her illness when she realized that she needed to get better. There was. She had been staying periodically with her adult cousin in Milwaukee, near where she was being treated at the time. One night she found herself compulsively walking in circles around their small apartment while also reading a book. Her ED would not allow her to hold still –it demanded constant motion. Her orbit through the apartment took her through some lit areas and some dark areas, and she became irritated that the darkness was interrupting her reading . This was a lightbulb moment for Guzzy (pardon the pun). She didn’t want to be forced into the dark anymore; She wanted to read her book in the light – away from her Eating disorder.
Guzzy has been in a solid recovery now for about a year; and I only recently heard this story. As her mother, I did not notice any clear delineation of behavior until she was further along in her journey. In fact, she got somewhat worse before she got better. Recovery is rarely linear; and a desire to get better does not always translate into having the strength and ability to face down your ED. As one former sufferer told me “you need to feel the fear and do it anyway”. But, I believe that this lightbulb ‘aha’ moment was a necessary step for her eventual recovery.
Everyone deserves a life free of Eating Disorders. Everyone deserves to live in the light.