In an earlier post I wrote about last summer’s family reunion, and how we used the occasion to address my mother’s advancing Alzheimer’s. Unfortunately, Anorexia was another unwelcome guest at the reunion. Before my own daughter (called Guzzy here) was afflicted, I had only a casual understanding of Eating Disorders, and I knew my own family was struggling to understand. I sent the following letter to help my supportive family know what to expect.
Anorexia will be an uninvited guest at our family reunion this summer. This letter provides some basic information about anorexia and how it affects its victims, while giving some practical advice to make sure anorexia does not put a damper on our event. As my sister has said, we WILL have fun!
Please Do not ask ‘why’ or other questions designed to figure out how this happened. While I realize that these conversations would be initiated with good intentions, there simply is no good answer. Conversations about the root cause of the illness can cause feelings of guilt and stress. Any ‘blame’ should be laid squarely at the feet of the illness itself.
Anorexia is a serious ILLNESS. It is not a personality trait, a way of seeking attention, or an intentional stubbornness about food. This Illness causes Guzzy very real anxiety and fears about eating. This can be confusing, since most of us struggle to not be overweight and have a hard time relating to a fear of eating the high-fat foods that most of us crave. As a result, we may trivialize or even joke about anorexic behaviors, without realizing this can be very hurtful.
To help put it in perspective: think of your worst fear (heights, claustrophobia, snakes, etc.) and being expected to face that fear (climb a tall ladder, ride in an elevator, encounter a snake) 6 times a day, every day. That would be really scary! That is what eating is like for Guzzy right now.
Guzzy has been enrolled in a partial hospitalization eating disorder program at xyz Hospital since the first week of July. The program is 6-1/2 hours a day, 5 days a week and is geared for teens. It includes nutritional education, individual and group therapy, family sessions, and two meals and a snack each day.
The mainstay of the program is a meal-plan provided by the nutritionist. Although the meal plan is extremely difficult, Guzzy has worked really hard and is compliant to the plan. However, progress has been slow, and weight gain remains a struggle.
We have all been learning a great deal about this illness. Anorexia causes sufferers to think about food almost constantly as a substitute for actually eating it. That is why we need to focus on activities and distractions that have nothing to do with food or physical exertion. Guzzy is taking up crocheting again–despite the fact that she has the LEAST crafty mother on the planet!
I realize everyone at the reunion cares deeply for Guzzy and wants to assist in her recovery. Here are a few practical guidelines for the reunion and other gatherings:
- Do not comment or ask questions about her weight or what she is (or is not) eating.
- Refrain from comments about your own weight and/or desire to be thinner. Many of us do this without even realizing it… usually in a self-depracating way.
- DO spend time with Guzzy as you normally would and include her in a variety of activities. One caveat is that we are restricting her physical activities. Other good options are: cards, crafts, talking, watching movies, playing games, playing with babies, etc. Please bring your favorite board games – I will bring several!
- Be aware and respect that her meals and snacks will be prepared and monitored by me. That may or may not include items from the ‘group’ meal.
- Guzzy is not allowed to participate in meal planning, food preparation or meal cleanup.
- If you have questions about what she is (or is not) allowed to eat, please refer those questions to me. Guzzy is not to be consulted about food choices.
I appreciate everyone’s cooperation and willingness to keep anorexia ‘at bay’ during our event. Feel free to contact me if you want more information and/or references to learn more about this disease. I am looking forward to seeing all of you and having a GREAT time at our reunion!
Post-Script: Guzzy had a WONDERFUL time at the reunion with her cousins, and ate two marshmallows spontaneously at the outdoor fire–which was a major victory at the time. Despite that positive step, she continued to decline and was admitted into a hospital in Minneapolis two weeks later. Please see other Eating Disorder posts if you are interested in reading about the rest of her treatment and recovery.