by Paula | Nov 30, 2014 | Family
I am very thankful to be spending time with my sister and her family in the Denver area; because of the distances involved we do not see them often. They are gracious and wonderful hosts. Today we hiked in a state park in the foothills, stripping down to short sleeves in the unseasonably warm sunshine. Yesterday we enjoyed a skiing / shopping expedition in Keystone. The skiers reported that conditions were marvelous.
Dan hadn’t skiied in over 25 years and was a little nervous, but he got his ‘ski legs’ under him after a few trial runs down the bunny hill. Guzzy is a good skier; although she ended her day with a nasty spill on a Black Diamond run; her injuries were limited to a scraped finger, blisters on her feet and a slightly bruised ego. There is talk of sending her back out for a more extensive ski trip in the spring–we shall see.
For myself–I have tried skiing on two or three occasions–a very long time ago. I was never even marginally competent and would sort of creep along in a hunched over-fight against gravity. I gave it up for good after being bowled over by a 10 year old–sending my skis and poles skittering down the slope, and laying me out in stunned silence in the snow for 5-10 minutes, not sure if my limbs were all still functional. They were–but that was the last time I donned a pair of skis. Clearly, Guzzy is both more coordinated and brave than her mom.
It is cliche because it is true: the best part of the holidays is spending time with friends and family. We were able to catch up on each other’s lives over morning coffee; played hours of raucous card and board games, spent hours preparing food, eating and cleaning up the kitchen; we sampled generously from my brother-in-law’s wine collection and liquor cabinet; and my sister and I compared childhood memories of holidays past.
My sister and I do not resemble each other, until we speak. By the end of the visit I have adopted minor changes in inflection and our voices become almost indistinguishable from each other. I am also told that we issue the same ‘squawking’ noise when playing cards or when otherwise surprised by something. It can get a little loud.
Guzzy is enjoying time with her Colorado cousins, although her same-age cousin’s attention is now split between family and her college boyfriend, who is also in town for the weekend. It is a glimpse into the future–as teens morph into young adults and develop new relationships that may (eventually) lead them to define ‘family’ in new terms. We all have two types of family–biological and chosen. For those of us that are extremely fortunate, those two groups overlap.
As I finish this post, we have returned to the cold embrace of Wisconsin and are settling back into our normal Sunday morning routine. I bought a new scarf and hat in Dever, which will help keep my body warm and my spirits buoyed with memories of our Thanksgiving in the Rockies.
by Paula | Nov 25, 2014 | Anorexia sucks
My friend, Pat, is a poet and recently initiated a conversation regarding the nature of truth and untruths. There are interesting and provocative gray areas to be explored when factoring in white lies and the imperfect nature of memory.
Meanwhile, I ponder the question “What is Healthy”? Many schools and workplaces are now defining healthy as a Body Mass Index (BMI) that falls within a certain range. BMI looks at two data points, height and weight; drawing conclusions regarding a person’s health without regard for muscle mass or other factors. It is a flawed measure. I know a couple very athletic and obviously healthy individuals whose BMI categorizes them (ridiculously) as over-weight.
An excellent article from the National Eating Disorder Association addresses the dangers of BMI screening in schools. This practice gives many students the message that their body isn’t good enough; a diagnosis that is cruel, irresponsible and can serve as a trigger for eating disordered behavior. Young people are particularly susceptible to this kind of dangerous message, although adults are not immune.
The truth is (listen up Pat!) that people naturally come in all different sizes and shapes. To provide an accurate assessment of someone’s health you need to know much more than their height and weight. You need to consider many other factors, both physical and mental, in order to diagnose someone’s health. People with ‘normal’ BMIs can be suffering from disordered eating, resulting in poor health and a poor quality of life. You simply cannot tell if someone has an eating disorder (or is healthy) by their BMI.
The backdrop for the wave of BMI screenings in the school and workplace is the growing incidence of obesity, along with our prevailing culture of judging our bodies harshly against impossible, unrealistic and unhealthy ideals. I am intrigued by the overlapping societal conditions that (I believe) contribute to both obesity and eating disorders. Certainly some obesity can be traced to disordered eating–so the two conditions are not mutually exclusive.
How much healthier could we all be, if we stopped believing that everyone needs to be a certain number or look a certain way? How much healthier could we be if we accepted our natural shapes and sizes without fearing the judgement of ourselves and others? How much healthier would we be if we respected, liked and cared for our bodies – including exercising regularly and eating based on our individual body’s needs and our natural cues of hunger and satiety?
It is food for thought.
by Paula | Nov 23, 2014 | Family, Uncategorized
Dan and I both enjoy our morning coffee. Correction: I enjoy my morning coffee and Dan NEEDS his morning coffee. I tend to wake up full of energy, whereas Dan is in a dense fog until he gets to the bottom of his first cup. We generally spend Sunday mornings together over coffee, lazily reading the paper, while pointing out tidbits of information to each other.
Earlier in our relationship we had a hard time agreeing on a coffee ‘system’ that would work for both of us. I get to work early most mornings and prefer to keep the coffee preparation time to minimum. My usual coffee routing consisted of setting up a drip coffee pot before I went to bed. However, Dan is a bit of a coffee snob and disdains ordinary drip-coffee. He also gets to work a bit later in the day; which allowed him time to refine a labor intensive system involving heating water in a teapot, grinding beans and manually (and slowly) pouring the hot water into a self-designed contraption to get a fresh and strong brew. This system is fine for someone who has time and patience in the morning; and I have neither.
After a few years of compromises and experiments with other coffee brewing solutions, we achieved a coffee detente. Christmas of 2012 I put two packages under the tree for Dan: one containing a Keurig cup coffee maker and another with a sample-pack of Keurig cups. As I opened my gift FROM Dan imagine my surprise to find almost the exact same thing in a slightly different brand. A gift of the Magi moment (without the tragedy). Since Dan had, very characteristically, put much more thought and analysis into his purchase, I returned the Keurig, and we have since enjoyed two years of excellent (if somewhat expensive and non-eco-friendly) coffee.
This morning the machine quit working. I put in the disc as usual and pressed the button and was rewarded with a horrible mess of coffee grounds and coffee–most of which was NOT in my coffee cup. I ran out to the local coffee shop and returned with two steaming cups just as Dan announced that he fixed the machine–at least temporarily.
At least we will know what to get each other for Christmas this year.
by Paula | Nov 22, 2014 | Uncategorized
I am in a period of transition, having accepted a new job that I am excited about – a newly created management position in a relatively small and growing software company. Essentially, I will be a slightly bigger fish in a smaller pond. I am currently in the limbo period of wrapping up my old job while anticipating the new. I’m working long hours in an attempt to transform a large, complex and messy project into a tidy package for my successor before I leave. It is like shoving a pound of tepid jello into a baggie–it keeps oozing out of the edges.
As a former consultant, who has worked a lot of temporary gigs; I have some thoughts on work transitions.
1. Don’t burn your bridges behind you–the world is small. You absolutely will encounter former co-workers in other venues and it is advisable to leave on good terms. A Jerry Maguiresque exit rarely ends well. Avoid the temptation to mentally check out before you walk out. I used to say never burn a bridge; but then I experienced incredibly hostile treatment (of myself and others) by an evil misogynistic boss. I confronted the behavior directly fully aware that I would not get justice and that I could never return.
2. A new job is like buying a new house: Some things will be better than the old one and some things will be worse. I will miss the beautiful office space of my current office, including my window seat with a view of the parking lot, and I will miss many of my incredible co-workers. While there are many pluses to my new position a beautiful work setting is not among them.
3. Retain and have confidence in what you know. The lessons you’ve learned from your last job still apply in your new job, even though it may be a different industry or company. Grow, Retain and use your hard-won knowledge as you travel through your career. I keep a list called The Things I Know and review it from time to time. My list reflects my own ‘aha’ moments pertaining to human behavior, communication and team-building, as well IT methodology-specific things that would make your eyeballs roll back in your head from sheer boredom if I listed them here.
4. Don’t be Guilty about Leaving your current job. Women are particularly susceptible to feeling guilty when we put our own needs and aspirations above the needs of others. If your dream (or dream-ish) job presents itself — take it; even if the timing isn’t ideal for leaving what you are doing now (it is almost NEVER good). Of course Rule #1 still applies (unless it doesn’t).
5. Culture and People are important. It is important to build a positive culture and positive relationships with your co-workers, both because it makes work more enjoyable and a positive culture is essential to productivity. There is a corollary to this rule: If you can’t change the people, change the people (this only makes sense if you say it out loud).
6. Don’t be an Eeyore or a Catbert; Eeyores are everywhere–sad sacks who find reasons every day to be unhappy and/or ineffective in their job. They point fingers at everything and everyone around them and may be very vocal in their complaints. A bad attitude is self-destructive and is a drag on the whole team. Whereas Catbert burns and mistreats everyone around him for his own personal benefit and sometimes for sheer sport. In general, it is probably inadvisable to model your behavior on a cartoon character.
7. LIKE your job. We spend a lot of time at work and its important to have work that is meaningful and engaging, with co-workers that we enjoy. If you dread going to work most of the time (vs. just Monday mornings–which is to be expected); it might be time to think about making a change. However, if you are miserable most of the time, everywhere you go… introspection and therapy may be in order. You know who you are.
I’m heading off to play tennis. Nothing like a busy work week to help appreciate the weekends!
by Paula | Nov 16, 2014 | Uncategorized
I saw mom today. Since we were out of town last weekend, it has been two weeks since I last saw her; and those two weeks were not kind to her.
Alzheimer’s is a wicked nasty disease. It has turned my very intelligent, talented and articulate mother into someone I barely recognize; someone I pity; someone who requires round-the-clock care; someone who alternates between anger, confusion and a quiet resignation. Very soon (we may already be there) she will not be able to tell us if she is in pain or hungry or needs to go to the bathroom. Care-taking has become something of a guessing game.
She is in a good place and receives high-quality care from the Memory care staff and by her loving husband (my father) who sees her every day and takes her to all of her Dr. appointments. Despite all of that, it is hard to think of her as being fortunate. Alzheimer’s is a persistent and relentless diminishing of life’s essence. What is left of our personality, of our being, of our very soul when we can no longer recognize or relate to the world around us?
I have other friends whose parents had or have Alzheimer’s. Part of the fear is the knowledge that a certain percentage of us will also become afflicted as we age. We talk about quality of life and how we would not want to live beyond a certain threshold. Obviously, defining the threshold is tricky and defining contingency plans should the threshold be reached is even trickier.
For mom: we keep her comfortable; we rehash old memories; we hold her hands; we take her for walks; we sing to (or with) her, we bring some cheer to her days with pictures and videos of the great-grandchildren that she does not remember holding. It is not enough; yet it is all we know to do.
